Laying down the sword and shield.

I'm at work today, a Sunday- and we just sprang our clocks forward an hour.  I'm feeling pretty good, especially for having my cycle.  It came on pretty easily this morning with only minor discomfort so far.  I've been feeling pretty good mentally lately.  I'm finding peace in the every day and joy in the ordinary.  I have a doctor appointment tomorrow with Dr Keim.  It's just a yearly check up.  I'm hoping that if everything is normal including my thyroid (which was a touch elevated last year) that I can just start going to health fairs for these check ups.  I'm glad to know that my tsh was off, I believe from stress over the past couple years.  I have learned that anxiety/stress can really wreck your body.

I've done everything that I can control to help my body heal as much as it can.  I exercise, I meditate daily, I eat really well and as my anxiety lowers I feel stronger.  I also feel happier.  All of this has taught me that I've been beating and fighting my way through life.  I turned off joy and simplicity when I turned about 10 and didn't turn it back on again until 45-ish.  Since a preteen to the early part of 45 I lived to strive for, be accepted as, catch up to and obtain.   Now I live to watch sunrises and sunsets, laugh, relax, give up striving but still enjoy, don't care about acceptance but accept people as they are, saying there's nothing to catch up to and realizing I have enough.  I've given up worrying.  I still get nervous but I don't give it too much of my mental energy because whatever the circumstance is it really doesn't matter.

I see myself as an old woman and I know and accept that I will die one day.  That's what matters, how much I enjoy my life until that day arrives.  Worry just isn't worth the time spent on it.  I'm not anywhere perfect but given where I was just a couple years ago I'm a thousand times better.

As I'm learning to let go of the grip and fear I've noticed how much I still clench my stomach.  I do it and I don't even realize it.  My mind is learning but my body is still trying to hold that defensive mode.  It will get better.  Or not.

I have to fast tonight- I have to get my blood drawn tomorrow before I can eat anything.  I don't like it.  I really like my routines but I'll get through it like I have every time before.

It feels good to just give up.  It feels good to finally after all these years put down the sword and shield.  Quit looking over my shoulder and wildly looking around for danger.  The colors are more vivid and music sounds sweeter.  Details are clearer.  It's nice to live not bracing for impact.



Until Next Time.