Crashing down and getting back up.

Just days after my last post I went to a Dr appt.  I had done really well in advance not thinking about it.  On the morning of it, when I knew that instead of getting up to do my normal routine, I had to fast instead and leave quickly- I was a wreck.

I felt that familiar wash of adrenaline over my body as soon as I woke up.  Not as bad as the weeks after Billy's death but certainly the same intensity I felt in the months after.  I did OK as far as the hunger.  I have a fear of passing out from low blood sugar or low blood pressure from being so hungry.  I did fine.  I was a bit nervous but I did pretty well.

As a matter of fact I thought I was doing great while driving down the road.  I had to get on the interstate so I wouldn't be late for my lab appt.  That made me a bit more nervous but I did fine.

What I didn't do fine with after doing pretty well was getting my blood drawn.  I have an overall circulatory system phobia.  I think of strokes, blood clots, blood pressure, heart attacks,aneurysms,  you get it.

I no longer can tolerate watching my blood being drawn.  The fear is I'll see it and faint.  I don't like having the rubber band wrapped around my arm to plump up my veins because.... well, it's just not cool to hinder that flow.  The phlebotomist casually talked and set her stuff up AFTER she wrapped my arm- so I'm chewing on the inside of my bottom lip screaming in my head HURRY UP! HURRY UP! HURRY UP!!!

Finally the needle pricked and I relaxed but only for a second when it seemed to take forever to fill the tubes.  Surely I will faint after losing all this blood.  Did I mention that I was on my period too?  Yep, my mind was definitely telling me that my period plus this additional loss meant I was going to hit the floor.

I began to tremble uncontrollably.  I tried to stay still but I just couldn't.  Finally it was over and she looked at me and said Are you OK??  I meekly said yes and got up to leave quickly changing the subject by asking where the bathroom was.

So fast forward to my results.  Yes, the one I was concerned about was unusually high.  I'm hoping just from the combo of nerves, hormones and being really hungry caused it.  I get it checked in 6 mths again.

Now, I'm picking myself up.  I was exhausted and frustrated for the rest of the day.  Yesterday I was just sad and crying.

This morning I was still having a hard time.  Like I told Eric, I hate it that I have to work so hard to be/feel normal.

So again today I ate good for me food, I meditated and I exercised.

Fall down.  Get up. Work hard.  Heal.  Fall down.  Get up.  Work hard. Heal.

That's my life now.

It's ok.  I'm excited to even have a chance to do it this way.  The freedom to choose how to heal.

Until Next Time.