Crashing down and getting back up.

Just days after my last post I went to a Dr appt.  I had done really well in advance not thinking about it.  On the morning of it, when I knew that instead of getting up to do my normal routine, I had to fast instead and leave quickly- I was a wreck.

I felt that familiar wash of adrenaline over my body as soon as I woke up.  Not as bad as the weeks after Billy's death but certainly the same intensity I felt in the months after.  I did OK as far as the hunger.  I have a fear of passing out from low blood sugar or low blood pressure from being so hungry.  I did fine.  I was a bit nervous but I did pretty well.

As a matter of fact I thought I was doing great while driving down the road.  I had to get on the interstate so I wouldn't be late for my lab appt.  That made me a bit more nervous but I did fine.

What I didn't do fine with after doing pretty well was getting my blood drawn.  I have an overall circulatory system phobia.  I think of strokes, blood clots, blood pressure, heart attacks,aneurysms,  you get it.

I no longer can tolerate watching my blood being drawn.  The fear is I'll see it and faint.  I don't like having the rubber band wrapped around my arm to plump up my veins because.... well, it's just not cool to hinder that flow.  The phlebotomist casually talked and set her stuff up AFTER she wrapped my arm- so I'm chewing on the inside of my bottom lip screaming in my head HURRY UP! HURRY UP! HURRY UP!!!

Finally the needle pricked and I relaxed but only for a second when it seemed to take forever to fill the tubes.  Surely I will faint after losing all this blood.  Did I mention that I was on my period too?  Yep, my mind was definitely telling me that my period plus this additional loss meant I was going to hit the floor.

I began to tremble uncontrollably.  I tried to stay still but I just couldn't.  Finally it was over and she looked at me and said Are you OK??  I meekly said yes and got up to leave quickly changing the subject by asking where the bathroom was.

So fast forward to my results.  Yes, the one I was concerned about was unusually high.  I'm hoping just from the combo of nerves, hormones and being really hungry caused it.  I get it checked in 6 mths again.

Now, I'm picking myself up.  I was exhausted and frustrated for the rest of the day.  Yesterday I was just sad and crying.

This morning I was still having a hard time.  Like I told Eric, I hate it that I have to work so hard to be/feel normal.

So again today I ate good for me food, I meditated and I exercised.

Fall down.  Get up. Work hard.  Heal.  Fall down.  Get up.  Work hard. Heal.

That's my life now.

It's ok.  I'm excited to even have a chance to do it this way.  The freedom to choose how to heal.

Until Next Time.

Laying down the sword and shield.

I'm at work today, a Sunday- and we just sprang our clocks forward an hour.  I'm feeling pretty good, especially for having my cycle.  It came on pretty easily this morning with only minor discomfort so far.  I've been feeling pretty good mentally lately.  I'm finding peace in the every day and joy in the ordinary.  I have a doctor appointment tomorrow with Dr Keim.  It's just a yearly check up.  I'm hoping that if everything is normal including my thyroid (which was a touch elevated last year) that I can just start going to health fairs for these check ups.  I'm glad to know that my tsh was off, I believe from stress over the past couple years.  I have learned that anxiety/stress can really wreck your body.

I've done everything that I can control to help my body heal as much as it can.  I exercise, I meditate daily, I eat really well and as my anxiety lowers I feel stronger.  I also feel happier.  All of this has taught me that I've been beating and fighting my way through life.  I turned off joy and simplicity when I turned about 10 and didn't turn it back on again until 45-ish.  Since a preteen to the early part of 45 I lived to strive for, be accepted as, catch up to and obtain.   Now I live to watch sunrises and sunsets, laugh, relax, give up striving but still enjoy, don't care about acceptance but accept people as they are, saying there's nothing to catch up to and realizing I have enough.  I've given up worrying.  I still get nervous but I don't give it too much of my mental energy because whatever the circumstance is it really doesn't matter.

I see myself as an old woman and I know and accept that I will die one day.  That's what matters, how much I enjoy my life until that day arrives.  Worry just isn't worth the time spent on it.  I'm not anywhere perfect but given where I was just a couple years ago I'm a thousand times better.

As I'm learning to let go of the grip and fear I've noticed how much I still clench my stomach.  I do it and I don't even realize it.  My mind is learning but my body is still trying to hold that defensive mode.  It will get better.  Or not.

I have to fast tonight- I have to get my blood drawn tomorrow before I can eat anything.  I don't like it.  I really like my routines but I'll get through it like I have every time before.

It feels good to just give up.  It feels good to finally after all these years put down the sword and shield.  Quit looking over my shoulder and wildly looking around for danger.  The colors are more vivid and music sounds sweeter.  Details are clearer.  It's nice to live not bracing for impact.



Until Next Time.