Crashing down and getting back up.

Just days after my last post I went to a Dr appt.  I had done really well in advance not thinking about it.  On the morning of it, when I knew that instead of getting up to do my normal routine, I had to fast instead and leave quickly- I was a wreck.

I felt that familiar wash of adrenaline over my body as soon as I woke up.  Not as bad as the weeks after Billy's death but certainly the same intensity I felt in the months after.  I did OK as far as the hunger.  I have a fear of passing out from low blood sugar or low blood pressure from being so hungry.  I did fine.  I was a bit nervous but I did pretty well.

As a matter of fact I thought I was doing great while driving down the road.  I had to get on the interstate so I wouldn't be late for my lab appt.  That made me a bit more nervous but I did fine.

What I didn't do fine with after doing pretty well was getting my blood drawn.  I have an overall circulatory system phobia.  I think of strokes, blood clots, blood pressure, heart attacks,aneurysms,  you get it.

I no longer can tolerate watching my blood being drawn.  The fear is I'll see it and faint.  I don't like having the rubber band wrapped around my arm to plump up my veins because.... well, it's just not cool to hinder that flow.  The phlebotomist casually talked and set her stuff up AFTER she wrapped my arm- so I'm chewing on the inside of my bottom lip screaming in my head HURRY UP! HURRY UP! HURRY UP!!!

Finally the needle pricked and I relaxed but only for a second when it seemed to take forever to fill the tubes.  Surely I will faint after losing all this blood.  Did I mention that I was on my period too?  Yep, my mind was definitely telling me that my period plus this additional loss meant I was going to hit the floor.

I began to tremble uncontrollably.  I tried to stay still but I just couldn't.  Finally it was over and she looked at me and said Are you OK??  I meekly said yes and got up to leave quickly changing the subject by asking where the bathroom was.

So fast forward to my results.  Yes, the one I was concerned about was unusually high.  I'm hoping just from the combo of nerves, hormones and being really hungry caused it.  I get it checked in 6 mths again.

Now, I'm picking myself up.  I was exhausted and frustrated for the rest of the day.  Yesterday I was just sad and crying.

This morning I was still having a hard time.  Like I told Eric, I hate it that I have to work so hard to be/feel normal.

So again today I ate good for me food, I meditated and I exercised.

Fall down.  Get up. Work hard.  Heal.  Fall down.  Get up.  Work hard. Heal.

That's my life now.

It's ok.  I'm excited to even have a chance to do it this way.  The freedom to choose how to heal.

Until Next Time.

Laying down the sword and shield.

I'm at work today, a Sunday- and we just sprang our clocks forward an hour.  I'm feeling pretty good, especially for having my cycle.  It came on pretty easily this morning with only minor discomfort so far.  I've been feeling pretty good mentally lately.  I'm finding peace in the every day and joy in the ordinary.  I have a doctor appointment tomorrow with Dr Keim.  It's just a yearly check up.  I'm hoping that if everything is normal including my thyroid (which was a touch elevated last year) that I can just start going to health fairs for these check ups.  I'm glad to know that my tsh was off, I believe from stress over the past couple years.  I have learned that anxiety/stress can really wreck your body.

I've done everything that I can control to help my body heal as much as it can.  I exercise, I meditate daily, I eat really well and as my anxiety lowers I feel stronger.  I also feel happier.  All of this has taught me that I've been beating and fighting my way through life.  I turned off joy and simplicity when I turned about 10 and didn't turn it back on again until 45-ish.  Since a preteen to the early part of 45 I lived to strive for, be accepted as, catch up to and obtain.   Now I live to watch sunrises and sunsets, laugh, relax, give up striving but still enjoy, don't care about acceptance but accept people as they are, saying there's nothing to catch up to and realizing I have enough.  I've given up worrying.  I still get nervous but I don't give it too much of my mental energy because whatever the circumstance is it really doesn't matter.

I see myself as an old woman and I know and accept that I will die one day.  That's what matters, how much I enjoy my life until that day arrives.  Worry just isn't worth the time spent on it.  I'm not anywhere perfect but given where I was just a couple years ago I'm a thousand times better.

As I'm learning to let go of the grip and fear I've noticed how much I still clench my stomach.  I do it and I don't even realize it.  My mind is learning but my body is still trying to hold that defensive mode.  It will get better.  Or not.

I have to fast tonight- I have to get my blood drawn tomorrow before I can eat anything.  I don't like it.  I really like my routines but I'll get through it like I have every time before.

It feels good to just give up.  It feels good to finally after all these years put down the sword and shield.  Quit looking over my shoulder and wildly looking around for danger.  The colors are more vivid and music sounds sweeter.  Details are clearer.  It's nice to live not bracing for impact.



Until Next Time.

Having a small salary (and accepting it) is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Almost 6 years ago my husband and I quit our jobs to start our business.  We lived on savings the first 6 months and then started pulling a salary.  We had no experience running a business like ours but we had passion.

We never went into the business wanting to be "rich".  I wanted to make the same salary that my husband made at his previous job which was barely above average salary numbers.  But, as almost anyone can tell you, owning your own business is hard and making a salary, especially pretty much out of the gate, is practically unheard of.

We actually have settled our lives into making a salary quite a bit under the national average.

Honestly, I couldn't be happier.  Why?  Because it's enough.  We pay our bills.  We save.  We also have a little fun.

Do we go on extravagant vacations and trips?  No.  Do we drive new cars?  No.  Do we keep up with fashion trends?  Definitely not.

What we do have is time to breathe.  Time to be together as a family.  We do have a very slow lifestyle.

I remember crying about not making the money at first and feeling like a failure.  I even considered our business a failure.  But really it is very successful.  I just needed to change my mind and accept that it's ok to not make a lot of money, just enough money.

We have had investors approach us about expanding.  They had big plans with an even bigger price tag.  What was worse is it would have made our lives very chaotic and very not what we want.

Their minds were on margins, bottom lines and big money.

Ours was on our family.

We then settled into and accepted our salary and our lives grew much more simple.

I no longer feel like a failure because I'll probably never step foot in Europe.  I no longer stress about making it to the weekend.  Well, I never actually did before this, but now I really don't.  I really enjoy our outings way more than I used to.  Before being invited to a friends birthday party was just one more thing to add to the calendar, now it's the only thing added to the calendar.  We go out to eat maybe once a month and we always love every second and every bite of food.

We do things that are low cost and fun.  Bowling for example.  We went on a Monday when our son was off of school for Martin Luther King day.  We played one game, it was a load of fun and it only set us back $16.00 then we went to a BBQ place we had been wanting to try.  It was a great day that I'll never forget.

We still work hard at our business but it feels good to go to work.  We don't dread it.

Life is just full of fun now.  We appreciate everything we have.  A roof over our heads when it's freezing outside, food on our table and kitty cats to cuddle.

We have enough.

I'm so glad to have found this peace.

What a great life I have.

Until Next Time.

That Day After We Went To Cooter's And Headed Back to Good Ole Winchester VA

On our way back from Luray we decided to stay on Rt. 11 heading back home.  We stopped along the way to just enjoy sites we hold dear in our memories.  We don't know how much longer those places will last, so we at least took a couple pictures.  But before that we stopped at Woodstock Brewing Company for an afternoon snack.  Ashton had ginger ale, I had chips and tea and Eric had a flight of their beers.

Ah Montgomery Wards.  The building has been sitting vacant for nearly 2 decades now.  I still have memories of going there- and my mom worked at the diner inside, even though I don't remember that. 

This is the wall coming from the "back way" to the plaza.  How awesome it is.  It used to lead to the movie theatre but now it sits empty. 

Ear Food!  I remember when this store was next to the Fashion Bug on Berryville Avenue- where the Sharp Shopper is now.  It was a Safeway, Rite Aide, Ear Food, Fashion Bug, laundry Mat and the Center for Figures.  Good Times.  Eric and I went to this location when we first were together.  annnnnd.......

We were so happy to take our son there too.  I don't know how much longer it will last with the digital age upon us but I hope it will be a long while more.  Vinyl is making a come back so you never know. 

We ended the night with a special request from Ashton.  It's been yeeeeaaarrrs since we went to the Chinese buffet!  he said-- so there we went.  Good times and regrettable yet yummy food was had.  A great way to end the evening.

I guess the theme of the day was going down memory lane.  Old TV shows, old stores, old architecture and old restaurants.  Great places continuing even if its just in our memories.

Until Next Time. 

Just watched a video.

I'm sure you've seen the video on facebook about putting away your phone or ipad and live the real way.  I just watched it and I'm deeply touched.  For months I've been focused on having a blog or youtube channel and put lots of energy into it.  I wanted to be heard.  I wanted to be special.  I wanted lots of followers.  I have a hard time remembering life when I didn't at least sometimes think, oh I gotta put this on facebook or I gotta put this on instagram.  -- and I literally just thought about shutting down my instagram account and then I immediately thought of reasons not to.  Why is it hard for us to just live like we used to?  Everyone wants to be special, everyone wants to be famous and suddenly everyone thinks they are important.  And even now I'm writing a blog about how I don't want to blog any longer.  Let me just stop right here. 

Lazy or Content?

The other day I was working on our business bookwork.  After having paid what seemed like everybody and their brother during the month of April, I watched our bank account slowly drop, and drop and drop.  I remember thinking to myself....

"hmph, it looks as though we may not be able to pay ourselves in the month of May."

Did I also mention that our heat pump needs replacing and while it heats fine, it does not provide us cool air? 

Did I mention that to replace said heat pump that is almost 11 years old, will cost us about 6 grand? 

Yeah.

But, as I sat there, I realized that it doesn't bother me any where near as much as it would have if this happened a year ago.  I actually surprised myself.  I simply thought to myself, well, we've got savings to live on in May, and that will suck, because that money should go towards the heat pump, but I guess that's the way it will be.  I also thought, I wish we didn't have a house that requires a heat pump.

Have I become lazy?  Am I so lazy that the thoughts of my business not having a super strong month just floats along without a care in the world? 

I don't think so.

I really think that I've come to a place in my life that I'm just content.  People lived for years without this thing called "air conditioning"-- It will really be fine.  What we did do is buy a small window unit to use if needed out of our emergency fund. 

You're probably wondering why we don't just head on down to the bank and get a loan to replace that heat pump? 

We don't do debt.  We're done.  We'll be fine. 

It is nice to be in this new place of contentment.  Nothing seems so dire any longer and I attribute some of it to learning new skills so that if I did need to down grade a lifestyle (and I know how to do that!) I can go back to basics even farther. 

Keep Moving Forward.

Not even forward, just keep MOVING.

Until Next Time Friends.

Blessed.

I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 

I just learned yesterday morning that my step-dad's lymph nodes are clear of any cancer.  I was so happy and relieved to hear it, that the enemy had been defeated that I cried and just hugged him.  I never got to hear those words when we lost my father in law, nor my mother in law. 

I tell ya, having a scare like that really brings you back to what is important.  In the depths of my fears when I did let myself imagine the worse, I realized how much I love him. 

Him being ok was the only option. 

I prayed. 

This time I received the answer I desperately needed.

I am so blessed.  I will never forget how blessed I am. 

No matter what you believe or don't believe, remember that life can throw you a hard ball at any moment so be appreciative of the ordinary things. 

Until Next Time Friends!